F words

Two things have been on my mind a lot lately:

+Getting new furniture.
+Getting a friend.

Wanting for these things, I think I blame on magazines, and the internet.

Or maybe comfort. Who finds comfort on the internet?

My place looks OK. It functions in the way that it's supposed to. Nothing is broken down or ruined.
I have acquaintances, none of them are broken down or ruined either.

I'm tired of the look and feel of my place.
Lifeless, impersonal.

I want to fall onto something and just have it feel really good.

A nice bed and a nice friend...it's not like I'm asking for the world right?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I don't remember what the favor was exactly, but I know I said, "If you do it, I'll be your best friend."
He said, "You already are my best friend."

Still wanting whatever it was I wanted, I answered, with, "I'll be your SUPER DUPER BEST friend!"

Holding a list in one hand and my hand in the other,he pulled me closer as he turned a corner aisle, not even looking at me and sighed, "you are my SUPER DUPER BEST Friend."

We continued to do some shopping, but I still didn't get what I wanted.

I don't doubt my BF's sincerity or rather appreciation of me. I just don't think I really am my BF's best friend.

Yeah, it's nice that he says so, but I dunno, I don't really buy it.

I'm pretty sure his best of best friend is ________ or _________. They grew up together, they make each other soup when their sick (well not exactly, but they do worry and care about each other) and have that whole guy bond thing that I will never get (and why should I?)you know.

There's differences between the friendships you have with people when it's totally and completely platonic. Like family.

They're close to you, because you never have to worry about turning them on if that makes sense...

Granted...if they aren't related, there's probably still a little oddness...

Anyway.

I used to have a best friend.

For whatever reason, I've been really missing that.

Right now, and for the last few years, My BF is my best friend and my everything.

Nothing I have is not without his finger or handprint.
Nothing I do is not without his thoughts or consideration.


If you look at the call list on my phone, easily he's all of them.

And while all of this is very simple and nice, I can't help but also feel lonesome . Lonesome for something that is altogether just mine.

Like a fave chair, or even a fave person.

I wonder if perhaps I'm too old to make a best friend now. That maybe I should just be really happy and nuturing with the good friendship I have with my BF right now.

How many people can talk about ANYTHING and almost EVERYTHING with their partners?

I have one friend I suppose I still consider close (at least he lives in the same city). I find myself having mental conversations with him often.

(I mean he pops into my mind often. If i'm watching a film I think he'd enjoy, I think about the things I'd tell him about the film, or the things he'd tell me regarding the film. I think I still know what his interests are and how he is about things, so it's just easy to play these little dream conversations in my head without actually acting on them...does that make sense?)

It's a habit that's hard to break because I didn't need mental conversations for ages.
It used to be that we were available to each other at all times.

It used to be that'd I call him up, or him me, and we'd talk for hours and hours. We talked about everything. He was my best friend. Now that we both have signifs, though (not to mention a strange falling out of sorts--okay we don't have sex anymore), it makes things odd...kinda.

My BF knows that I talk with that "ex". I tell him that I do, when I do and what we talk about.

My BF even knows the history I have with that "ex" . He knows all kinds of little stories and quirks about that "ex." He knows that for a long time I thought I was even going to marry that "ex" (well I played with the idea).

He knows the same kind of things I know about that fellow. Both of them are on the other's email and buddy lists. Both of them even share similar friends and so on.

What he doesn't know?
Eh, that sometimes...sometimes I think about how that "ex" tasted.

I guess I'll just hit publish. There's no reason to write much more today...My "ex" is online. I wanna show him a lamp I like. I'm pretty sure he's going to ask which side of the bed I'll put it on. He'll probably remind me of the time he broke a lamp...

The kind of stuff they forget to put in catalogs...I really really need a platonic friend.
No assembly required.
Sigh.